


Dragons; how it really went down!

by LittleMissKaede



Series: Obviously Canon [2]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Hanamura, Humor, Meeting, Parody, Shimada Brothers, brief mention of tony hawk, crackfic, fight, mature languange, my take on the Animated Short Dragons, there is one slighlty offensive joke in here if u squint your eyes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 10:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10637970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissKaede/pseuds/LittleMissKaede
Summary: Hanzo has returned to Hanamura to grief for his brother and Honor his death, but what he doesn't know, that there is a spicy cyborg hiding in the shadows, ready to steal his brothers POTG.Will they finally make peace or fight to the death?THIS IS A CRACKFIC, its supposed to humour and not to be taken seriously.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to write another stupid Overwatch story, enjoy! 
> 
> WARNING:  
> Timeline is inaccurate (obviously), slightly offensive joke (depending how you look at said joke), and bad humour! 
> 
> I do not own Overwatch or any of the characters!

Shadows moved in the darkness, seemingly dancing effortlessly about, as a figure tumbled gracefully out of the nearest tree. Hanzo's face thankfully had caught the fall onto the hard concrete floor, preventing his body from taking any damage. 

 

He sneaked forwards, humming the James Bond tune to himself, he originally had planned to do the Splinter Cell tune, but he had forgotten how it went. 

 

He was in Hanamura, his home. Well it was his home until he got a hissy fit and brutally murdered his brother and then went against his own clan because he "felt like it". 

 

Hanzo climbed the nearest wall, making sure he looked cool while doing so. There were three enemies. He aimed at the closest one and released the Scatter Arrow. He killed the other two with that, yelling loudly " Simple Geometry!" and proceeded to miss five more shots at his original first target. After his sixth arrow finally hit the stationary 'afk' Tobjörn main, the archer mocked him with the line "how predictable", before starting to emote, waving his hand and supersonic teebaging the corpse of his fallen enemy.

 

He made his way over to the Shrine. When he arrived he kneeled down in front of it, thinking to himself 'Maybe I should shave the grey of my head, making me look more young and hip, also maybe a piercing?'. While he was debating how to best start his midlife crisis, he heard a sound behind him. 

 

He spun around and a cyborg dropped down right in front of him, emitting a sound that seemed like the Windows computer startup tune. Hanzo inwardly cringed at the mention of this outdated meme. 

 

The archer came back to reality and immediately aimed his weapon at the pretty cool looking Xbox One thing, starting to spam arrows. But it was to no avail. 

 

The cyborg was crouch spamming and strafing so hard, that it was impossible for Hanzo to hit him, not even the Scatter Arrow could do the job. Hanzo cursed and hoped for the new PTR update to launch soon, where they had added a cool down on said crouch spamming. 

 

Hanzo tried another Scatter Arrow, but nothing happened, he looked down in shock only to see that it was still on cooldown. 

 

"Fuck." 

 

This only left him one choice. His ultimate. He could not live with the shame of this Genji out besting him and then roasting him in chat afterwards. 

 

He pressed Q. His aim was perfect and he fired, but then he heard something that made his heart sink. 

 

"Hajime." 

 

Hanzo could just see how the cyborg was slapping his sword from right to left in front of him, deflecting the Dragons instantly. 

 

Hanzo cursed, as he died, Eliminated by xxProGenjuxx. His kill streak was lost and so was his pride. Then suddenly he heard the voice of an beautiful Angel "HEROS NEVER DIE, for a price". 

 

The light was blinding as he was thrown back onto the battlefield and Mercy spammed in all chat " GG SICK 5 MAN REZ GUYZ!" The moment he could move again he heard extremely aggressive Japanese shouting. 

 

Genji pulled out his sword and dived straight towards the two healers, Lucio was the first to react, switching to speed, screaming, "OH TURN IT UP!" and riding up the wall, leaving Mercy and her tictacgun to fend for herself. 

 

Hanzo again proceeded to miss every shot at the cyborg as he brutally murdered Mercy, including three more members of his team, even when he emoted, Hanzo could not hit him. He dashed past Hanzo, he swore he heard a faint "I need healing" from the cyborg. 

 

This was his chance for redemption, Hanzo thought to himself. He went after Genji, determined to Scatter the enemy guys ass so fast. Much to his avail, Genji had already taken the health pack. 

 

"I see, you have come to revenge your foolish death by my hand." The cyborg paused dramatically before adding, "brother." 

 

Hanzo gasped loudly. "Brother? I am not your brother, my brother is dead! And I..." He looked to the side and clenched his fists, for even more of an dramatic effect. "I killed him." 

 

"Yes, you did kill your brother, but he is still alive and now has an awesome as fuck body!" He announced, motioning to himself and striking an awkward pose. 

 

"Who are you?" Hanzo asked, unsure if he wanted to know. 

 

The cyborg moved to grasp the visor of his helmet, slowly removing it, Hanzo stared open mouthed at him, looking kind of like a fish. A really ugly fish. 

 

"Genji?!" He whispered. Followed by an angry, "What the fuck?!" 

 

"Yes, it is I brother, Pussyslayer Genji, the most handsome Shimada to have ever lived." 

 

Hanzo blinked, shaking his head, he swayed slighlty, staggering forwards and falling onto his knees. His chicken legs were unable to hold his weight any longer. He stared at the open palms of his hands. "But how... I have killed you..." He whispered. "I stabbed you forty seven times, dumped your body in a river, acted as if I didn't know how you've gotten there when the police came to question me. I even urinated on your grave and fucked your bitch, Genji. How are you still alive?!" 

 

"Angela came to my aid, when I needed healing, she gave me this new body and she saved me." He mused, before adding angrily, "- wait, you fucked my bitch?!"

 

Hanzo paused, ignoring his question. "Why are you here, brother? Have you come to steal my play of the game?!" He yelled harshly. "My honor?!" 

 

Genji shook his head. "No brother," He said softly, "I have come here to forgive you." 

 

Lost for words the older Shimada stared at his Xbox brother. "You have forgiven me...? But how-" 

 

"Bitch, shut the fuck up, I haven't forgiven shit. You heartless bastard stabbed me fourtyseven times and even pissed on my damn grave, but I have promised Angela and Daddy Zenyatta to give your sorry alcoholic ass my forgiveness." Genji spat, crossing his arms, then he shrugged. "Besides, I think I can get them to finally have a sick threesome with me if I finally have peace with you. They've been going on an on about how I needed to forgive you, so if this works out, I'll probably," Genji made hip thrusting motion, "score." He cleared his throat. "So what do you say, I forgive you, you forgive me, I get my threesome, you aren't alcoholic anymore, it's gonna be lit!"

 

Hanzo scrambled to his feet, disbelief crossing his features, as he wrestled to keep his scarf out of his sight. "You did all this for a threesome?!"

 

Genji shrugged. "Well, yeah... Have you seen how hot Angela is? And Zenyatta and his balls, damn! The things he could do to me..." He trailed off.

 

"I waited twenty years for you! I thought you were dead! You could've at least called me! Do you know how I felt, how much I missed you?!" 

 

"Well yeah, but I obviously couldn't have called your desperate ass, I needed to teach you a lesson." 

 

"FOR 20 YEARS?!" Hanzo shrieked. 

 

"Yosh." 

 

Hanzo stared and then pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Jesus Christ, Genji-"

 

"We are Japanese and not Christian brother." 

 

"That has nothing to do with anything, you racist ignorant fuck." 

 

"Well, actually," Genji began. "Statistically seen, there's only one percent of Christians in Japan, so I am not being igno-"

 

"Shut the fuck up!" Hanzo cut it. "This is why dad never loved you!" 

 

"He didn't like your gay ass either!" Genji yelled back, stomping his foot on the ground and putting his hands on his hips, before dropping a spiteful. "Bitch." 

 

There was silence, as both Shimada brothers stared at each other, in the background they could hear Athena's voice telling them that only 60 seconds were remaining. The music got more dramatic and Genji finally said something. 

 

"Brother-" 

 

Hanzo just being Hanzo cut in and raised a hand silencing him. "I have a question to ask, and when you answer it correctly I will forgive you." 

 

"Oh so like a riddle?" 

 

"No."

 

"But-"

 

"No!" Hanzo snapped. "Genji just fucking listen to me!" 

 

There was a dramatic pause, as Athena announced that there were only 30 seconds remaining and the funky beat got dropped. 

 

"How did you... how did you get this... this gud?" Hanzo finally asked. 

 

Genji chuckled and shook his head. "I have learned from the best brother." He said. "I have watched every single Seagull and ShadowBurn video out there and now I myself am a pro Genji." 

 

Hanzo's features twisted into a scowl. "You have forsaken us, the family and the clan, Genji!" 

 

"Well whatever." The green cyborg ninja shrugged. "I wanted to git gud, Hanzo! YouTube tutorials and Stylosa's tips just weren't cutting it anymore! Rank does matter!" 

 

Athena's voice announced Overtime. 

 

"Dishonor!" Hanzo roared and threw his bow to the ground, yelling when it bounced back up and hit him in the face. He held his nose and hissed, "Mothertrucker, that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick!" 

 

"What am I supposed to do Hanzo?!" Genji yelled. "I am never going to defeat the pro Koreans like this! They have a pro Winston on their team, a Winston!" He shrieked waving his arms around. 

 

Hanzo took a step forward and screamed so high and loud that Genji's synthetic manhood retreated back into his body. "When will you realise that your actions have consequences, we will never defeat the Koreans, they are just too gud!" He took a deep breath. "What would our father say to this." 

 

Genji crossed his arms and scoffed. "Oh, I don't know brother why won't we ask him - oh wait, you killed him."

 

"You don't know that." Hanzo said blankly. 

 

"I do."

 

"No! That part of the lore hasn't been revealed yet, for all we know he could've had an unfortunate scuba accident." 

 

"Its obvious Hanzo." 

 

"No." 

 

Genji wanted to retord but stopped himself, knowing there was no way of wining this. He shrugged. "Okay, Hanzo. You win, he died under mysterious circumstances."

 

There was a silence that stretched on again. Mercy's screams in the background, yelling at Widowmaker to "fucking protect her", brought his mind back onto the reason he was here in the first place. 

 

"Hanzo..." He started, voice soft and caring. He looked to the side, fingers messing with his visor, which was still in his hand. The wind picked up, softly shaking the trees around them, making the leaves dance beautifully, as Hanzo yet again wrestled to keep his scarf out of his face.

 

"Do you forgive me?" Genji finally asked. Knowing full well in the back of his head that he should be forgiving Hanzo, but his brother doesn't play that way, so he had to play along. The reward would be great. 

 

"No."

 

Genji spluttered gaze snapping back towards his brother. "Excuse me?! You told me you'd forgive me if I'd tell you how I got this gud!" 

 

"I lied."

 

A shocked gasp left Genji's lips. "Brother, I am shook!" 

 

Hanzo crossed his arms and started laughing loudly, it was diabolical. "Little did you know that I am evil now!" 

 

Genji shook his head. "Oh brother... how could it have come to this?" He paused and pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his ass, he unfolded it and handed it towards Hanzo. 

 

"If you are truly evil, you will sign this contract telling me that you are evil, this is no scam, I promise." Genji mused, crossing his fingers behind his back. 

 

Hanzo sceptically looked at the piece of paper, which said 'Genji's forgiveness contract', but much too Genji's luck, Hanzo couldn't really read ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs. Hanzo shrugged and bit into his finger, drawing some blood, straight up refusing the pen Genji was holding. 

 

Hanzo stuck out his tongue in concentration as he wrote his name slowly on it, Genji watched in disgust as his brother wrote in blood all over the paper. 

 

"Done." Hanzo yelled and slapped the contract back into Genji's hand. 

 

"Wait! Where are you going, brother?!" Genji yelled as he saw Hanzo turn around and walk back towards the point. 

 

"I am evil now Genji, I do not bid my farewells!" He called over his shoulder. 

 

"N-nani?!" Genji asked and looked down at the contract in his hands. Hanzo had written his name boldy across the lower line, the Z was replaces by an S and the A was mirrored. He smiled softly, pleased to see that his brother was still the same old reta - special (Genji quickly corrected himself there, or else Mama Shimada would whoop his cyborg ninja ass) - brother from twenty years ago. And he loved him for it. 

 

"Goodbye, brother!" Genji yelled and waved his hand above his head. 

 

"Go fuck thyself!" Hanzo yelled back, putting on a horrible fake British accent. Genji assumed it was part of his evil scheme. 

 

When Hanzo stomped back onto the point he threw his bow into the corner, being angry at Genji, for being alive again. How was he supposed to be evil now if there was his good brother running around, stopping him from being who he really was, evil. It wasn't just a phase, this was really him. 

 

Little did the know that the bow he had flung so carelessly into the corner had slammed into the contesting Lucio, killing him instantly. He had eliminated DSPStanky, the overtime ran out, and Victory blared across the screen. 

 

His triumph was quickly forgotten and replaced by bitterness when he saw Genji's POTG. "Damn you Genji!" He roared and shook his fist in anger. Genji would pay for this, Hanzo swore to himself, he'd make sure of that. 

 

 

Three weeks later Hanzo had given up being evil, after he quickly learned that the evil guys never win and also after the fourth time some dick head in a suit had blown up his evil lair. Now he wanted to pursuit something greater. After he had found a battered old of urine smelling PS2 copy of Tony Hawks Pro Skater in the sewers, he decided to become a Professional Skateboarder. 

 

Genji, much to his dismay had to discover that, Angela would not sleep with him after she ran a couple of tests on him and they had discovered, that he had the bird flue. He regularly visits Hanzo in the hospital after said brother tried to do one of the stunts he saw in the videogame. Genji had to admit though, it did look pretty cool.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, you finally made it! Hope you liked it! 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
